My Dear Sweet Girl,

I don’t even know what I’m going to write about tonight. My new normal seems to be lying awake long past a decent hour, and when I finally do drift off, I dream of you—only to wake up too early. Sleep should be where I want to be, because it’s the place where I see you. But instead the dreams leave me feeling helpless. They remind me that I can’t be there for you, even in the times when you’ve wanted me to be. I’m so sorry, sweet girl. If I had a magic wand to undo all the hurt that’s happened, I would. If I could have seen the future, I would have done things differently.

Right now, one of Arizona’s rare rainstorms is rolling through. The thunder is almost continuous outside. I wonder if you hear it too. You’re only ten minutes away, so surely you can. I can’t help but remember all the times I took you outside to jump in puddles or dance in the droplets. Rain is such a treat here. I hope your mom lets you play in it now. Your smile and laughter are so captivating when you do. I hope you always get to laugh, to smile, and to enjoy the simple joys life brings you.

I look forward to the day when we can share those joys together again. For now, it’s after midnight, and I’m here—missing you, my sweet girl. My heart is continuously broken without you.

Someday you will need to know how much I missed you—how much I saw you in every part of my day, every part of my dream, and every moment of my hopes. Even in the ache of missing you, my love for you is steady and unending. And just like the rain tonight, my love will always find its way to you.

All my love,

Nana